Every day. Or twice a day. Or once in the morning, one at noon and the last before bedtime. Yes you think that you are too calling your mother and has not raised you up to now why do you have consulted a group of experts to give us their opinion. Or we explain if you are very enmadrada, if you simply get bored or if you need your support for everything, absolutely everything that you do on a daily basis.
I remember the first years away from home. Independence, freedom and how much that was hard to remember that he had to call home and talk a while with my parents.
My mother always presumed that her daughter was a detached, not having I very clear why you had to brag about something as well, but I think it boasted that it had come to life and you will not need them at all to succeed. I get the impression that for them was a sign that I had been well educated.
But all that changed one day. The day I had my first daughter.
Suddenly I felt lost, misplaced and Yes, why not acknowledge him, pretty useless. The worst: the doctor diagnosed me with post-partum depression and advised me that I happened one day, that my profession was unaccustomed to move much and with many different people and that happen to be all day at home with a baby was hurting me. That you come to someone.
And I went to it. To my mother. And saved me. And I went from no call at all to call every day, first thing in the morning to give you an overview of how I had gone the night with the baby, what felt or worried.
And as the months passed and my daughter began to grow, everything became much easier, but I kept calling my mother continuously. Sometimes even he had nothing new to tell. But with that nothing could be hitting the strand half an hour long.
“I’ve already made the beds.” “How cocinarías you chicken?”. “Yesterday I saw my friend Bea.” “No, never I would be dragged”.
Our conversations are so far-reaching. Or more. We can talk about life, death, how much is the hake. How much to boring us with the last series of fashion and do not understand why it has triumphed.
I’m not the only one. Many of the women I know called his mother every day. Some several times. Although we have seen the same day. No need to live on the other end of the country or of a big city to need to hear your voice. No need to even talk or report something important. Simply need their voices heard, share a thought diffuse, feel your company while road work or before going to bed.
No need to be a mother to feel the need to talk with you. Also happens to my friends without children, also happens to single women. And many friends of all kinds, regardless of their marital status, age or sex.
A habit or necessity?
To try to find an explanation for these calls have consulted two experts: Maribel Moreno, a clinical psychologist and systemic psychotherapist and Francisco Herrera, physician and systemic psychotherapist at the systemic Map Center, experts in individual, family psychotherapy and couple.
For both experts There are different motivations influence in determining the frequency and the content of the mother-daughter communication, elements that define the functionality or dysfunction in this communication.
“We must never forget that human relationships are bi-directional, i.e., both individuals are jointly responsible in defining that relationship”, warn us. “Therefore, not can”charge inks”in one of the parties, because the other is also accepting that relational model”.
There are many reasons why too much call your mother
Maribel Moreno and Francisco Herrera emphasize in a series of dysfunctional elements that we should keep in mind:
1) The rigidity of a learned cultural model that is not questioned: “is as well as it should be”.
(2) on the other hand, the difficulty in the autonomy: without the validation of the other person, I’m not sure my criteria successful
(3) interference in other family relationships: the content of the messages is aimed at determining how should I behave with other members of the family or how you should position yourself to a family conflict. : “More you should call your brother”, “what you have to say is…”
4) There is a respect for the hierarchical boundaries: When we forget that we are mother and daughter and we have things that they are more than friends: pickups, sex life…
(5) and last but not least, overprotection: When calls are due to an excess of concern for the health of another person, for the fulfilment of tasks… “Do you ever taken the pill?”. This has a logic point but fails due to the excess.
Your expert’s confidence on the other side of the line
Yes, because our expert of systemic map also include a list of functional elements to take into account. On the one hand, the importance of life cycle. In some stages of the cycle, as during adolescence, we need more independence than in others in which again reinforced the link, such as when the grandchildren are and we feel a desire to involve to the grandparents of their progress.
On the other hand, exists of itself a good emotional link. According to Francisco Herrera and Maribel Moreno if we talk about with friends very often, why not do it with our mothers, who want both?
Also make special emphasis on the cultural question: “each family has their own models of communication, and where is the parameter of normal and the dysfunctional,” are running. “Provided that feel that there are not too many dysfunctional elements of those listed previously, relax and enjoy a good family relationship”.
For many of us call many times throughout the day our mother is a matter of seek advice from someone who has already passed previously by the same as us. “It’s a functional element known as identification of role,” explain us our experts, “to make us independent, become parents, etc. we will taking our own mothers as a valid model that refer to our decisions and communicate the advances”.
When you call to avoid conflict
Also can you pass as to my friend dawn, a young and madly independent woman, part of a slightly crazy and uprooted family which family meetings not be much further, but in which you can move the inheritance If not call daily. “The last time that my mother took the theme «I’m fed up with call you every day, chapter 2390310», dropped me the following Pearl: one day I will die and, as do not call me, I will find neighbors devoured by your brother”. “Your brother” my friend Dawn was referring to your dog.
Precisely between the dysfunctional elements that we discussed earlier our experts also is the reproach, that we find ourselves in cases like the dawn.
- “The fulfillment of a learned cultural model will not loaded message culpabilizadores by the other party that generate negative emotions towards myself” *, point referring to the reproach Francisco Herrera and Maribel Moreno.
When you only need a helping ear
I often call my mother It is a kind of interior but verbally sound dialogue, where I discuss my problems, doubts or thoughts out loud, without waiting for the person who listens to me to do something different to listen to me. In the background I am not asking the advice or opinion. And woe to her how to tell me what you think…! I need to be there even if you do not remove anything of the matter. I’ll have to ask the experts whether it is functional or dysfunctional.
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